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| He was gambling big on me, and while I appreciated the confidence, it also scared the shit out of me I wouldn’t, no matter what ” “But it’ll be Lee’s ass, not yours, right? it’s his shoot “You need to follow your own agenda, right? Hey, that’s fine In the cargo pockets of my pants I had rolls of film both color and black and white “Bad dream?” “Sharks,” I mumbled, half-coherent ” There’s definitely something intimidating about the impersonal eye of the camera “Nobody’s going to see you but me, and I already know what you look like This couldn’t go on Instead of starting the car, I stared through the windshield at the lake, the sun starting to burn in the clear arch of the endless blue sky The fucking Titanic is what it would be What the hell did he want me to say? “I really like you, Josh, and I wish you lived downstairs from me, but the fact is you don’t I guess I thought that since we were both guys, we’d just go our separate ways without any second thoughts Great I felt cold all over, the same way I felt at the cabin, when he told me he couldn’t be my friend “He wouldn’t have handed it over to you if he didn’t think you could do it I did the only thing I knew to do; I kissed his mouth, and after a second’s stony reluctance he opened his lips to mine “Finn, if you still want to,” Josh said softly, “I’ve decided you can do those photos of me you were talking about The hour after sunrise and the hour before sunset were the golden moments, the kind of perfect light that made every photo better, and I try to shoot during that window when possible Suddenly you’re not with that person every day anymore We can chat on Messenger and stuff whenever, and when you breeze into town, I’ll just drop everything I’m doing and rush right over to your hotel room ” “Yes and no Things had to be this way But Josh and I already had the chemistry, already had the connection So here we were m My face, my back, my hair were soaked in cold sweat and I was just now fully becoming aware that it was only a dream, not real We fell asleep holding each other, then he usually rolled over and kicked the covers off while I burrowed under them in a ball His eyes opened a little and he gave me a drowsy smile that made my heart flip For two weeks you’re in a bubble, thinking about only one thing, with the same people day after day On my knees among the hard stones, I moved closer, clicking fast Maybe Josh was right, I really did have a lot to learn While I clicked the shutter I talked to him a lot, keeping my direction minimal, and I thought after awhile he actually forgot about the camera entirely; but when I asked him to get out, he rose from the water with an erection Josh was helping me pack some equipment while we had a few beers He pushed aside his inhibitions about being naked, his reluctance to be the focus of too much attention, and started opening up When you get home you’d better find a good psychologist, because I’ve handed out all the free therapy I’m giving They were dark with lust and he reached out and put his hand on my neck, drawing me toward him ” “Oh,” I said “So what’s next?” Josh asked rather suddenly “Hi,” he said sleepily I could’ve turned on the charm and used my professional instincts to put him at ease the way I had so many shy models in the past, but I didn’t Then I’ll send you a set and you can decide from there if you want anyone else to see them I had to stop and change the film and he laughed, watching I’ll develop them and print them “I see,” he said carefully The partial cover it offered would help him get more comfortable It was last night, before the crew party Lee made us come to, even though we wanted to spend our last night together in the room “They… the sharks… all around and…” “Hey, that’s my nightmare, not yours,” he whispered, drawing my body against his so my head rested over his heart ” We were both raw inside “You know Finn, actually I was asking what’s next with you and me We’d just have to move on into something different, more distant, but probably still a better friendship than most others I’d had over the years Besides how could I know after just a few days what I wanted? Not in this situation, out of context of my regular life Oh fuck But he wants to hand me the credit “What do you want, hair and makeup? Come on, help me carry this gear Just so you know, though One of the most important aspects of getting good pictures is capturing interaction between people; the little glances, the smiles that happen when people connect ” Staring into my eyes, he relaxed What his mouth said was cold and angry, but his eyes were hurt There was nothing I could say to make the hurt go away Also, now that I thought about it, it was the first time I met Josh Brushing my teeth could also wait Despite my blank remark I knew exactly where he’d been heading, and that’s why I started babbling my head off about work When we got to the lake I switched personalities If not, I won’t even put them in any of my portfolios, but either way I’ll never sell them or let anybody print them As the sun climbed and the light lost its golden, hazy quality, black and white film felt the best The words from his lips didn’t match what his eyes told me The golden moment was gone anyway ” I didn’t want this, I hated having my picture taken and I especially didn’t want photos of this moment, capturing what I was trying so hard to hide; but I couldn’t shut down on him, not when he opened up to me so completely He was so gentle that I found I was letting him lead, letting him ease me forward At first I directed him into the water “Hey… you okay?” he asked in a thick, sleepy whisper, wrapping his arms around me His hand slid down over my shoulder, down my back, and squeezed my ass while his lips and tongue worked at mine Reaching out, he took the camera from my hands, turned it around, and pointed it at me ” I breathed, opening my eyes I sensed his uneasiness as he undressed on the edge of the lake; it was touching to see him trying to relax for me I shot a test roll while we got relaxed, then got ready with one camera for each type of film “What you’ve got on Maybe it was because we wore each other out, I thought with a grin ” I opened my mouth to protest what he was saying, but instead I shut up and opened up my eyes A hit to his career won’t matter to him Josh wanted to take a shower, but I wouldn’t let him ” Bolting out of bed, I pulled on the nearest clothes and put on my hat in lieu of doing anything with my hair ” I smirked; and his eyes widened in realization because he was still naked You’re still in the infant stage when it comes to being gay, there’s a lot you don’t know, and it’s not the sex stuff you need to wise up to Relief was a physical sensation that crowded my throat and made it hard to talk I couldn’t let what I might personally want distract me from that harsh reality He wanted to be fine with nudity but he couldn’t help it We’ve just been through a really intense experience together I smiled slightly but I didn’t want to embarrass him so all I did was direct him over to the big rock he’d sat on when he watched me swimming ” I paused and eyed Josh, but he was just staring at me His hand stroked my back and my body convulsed in little tremors as it relaxed by degrees under his gentle touch I don’t know what I was expecting from Josh, but it wasn’t this cold, quiet sarcasm “It sounds like you’ve rehearsed this speech, so it must be what you want I knew the photos were good He knew I was telling the truth Sounds cool “Wait My heart started to pound in my chest “Stay just like that When I’m not out for a specific shot, I don’t try to control my camera work too rigidly, I just go with what feels right ” There was that stare again; Josh studied my eyes for so long, I began to squirm and almost started babbling again before he interrupted me ” The sudden low, demanding tone of his voice startled me enough that I did it without thinking, and I looked up at his eyes Or at least what you think you want A little discomfort is the price one pays to get the perfect photo “Okay, now do something for me The waves are taller than my head and I can’t see anything, nothing but endless black water and gray sky Our lives are just too different “If you were getting paid, this would be sexual harassment,” I joked We were both thinking about the same thing, the conversation that lay between us like a physical presence Of course we’re close It was only through the lens that I saw so clearly “I can’t understand why you’re so angry, we’ve gotten to be such good friends, and I mean we both knew all along that…” “Yeah, I guess we did I really needed to cut that shit off It was around two this morning when Josh and I hit the bed There was no six a I’ve seen it before “Here’s what’s going to happen It was easy to see how he hated being uncomfortable with this When you’re shooting one subject, you have to make the connection yourself, in lieu of another model or whomever I panicked “A big shoot like this is like being stranded on a desert island “They can’t get you, baby He knew exactly how to use it call time this morning and we had every intention of sleeping late, but my internal clock woke me at five-thirty anyway Sitting up, I looked over at Josh sleeping on his stomach with his arms tucked under his pillow, his breathing slow and steady He really likes you and I know he wants to help you Now, if I could just force back the empty feeling that hollowed my gut when I thought about not touching him I hesitated, reluctant to stop my shooting, but… Oh, what the fuck ” Honestly, I had no idea what Lee would do if these people didn’t like the photos ” “Are you saying this isn’t real?” he asked bluntly I turned to face him and looked him in the eyes By unspoken consent we pulled apart and he went to get his clothes on while I packed up the camera gear God, this wasn’t what I’d expected When I did I saw he was lying, to me, and maybe to himself I took a quick breath I forced myself to let him click the shutter, another and another, before I turned my face away, putting up my hand palm-out Convenient for you, a nice piece of ass when you’re on the west coast, what, a few times a year? Okay And what you like Can you do that, baby?” Somehow that one simple request always throws the switch When we shared a bed I slept so well ” “Are you sure?” I asked, but my mind was already planning it out I must’ve cried out right before I woke up because Josh immediately rolled over ” I started to protest and once again he wouldn’t let me My heart hammered in my chest Josh had heard me use it a dozen times, but he managed to do it Some of them were even great, but that didn’t mean a thing if they weren’t what the clients wanted This is my first big project, and if I fail at it, it’s not going to look good on my resume ” That was an understatement The sex last night was good, but I felt his withdrawal, his little refusals, not quite a perfect fit together We couldn’t stay in our little fantasy world any longer Gripping the steering wheel in unbearable frustration I turned my head, searing him with my gaze I refused to let our friendship dwindle If they don’t like it, we’re screwed Only his self-consciousness stood in the way Every traffic law in Montana was broken as I tore out of the hotel parking lot toward the lake on the resort property where I’d skinny dipped for the first time that morning Planning was overrated anyway; sometimes the best photos were spontaneous products of the moment We won’t see each other every day, but when I come to LA on shoots, we can get together, can’t we?” Josh was silent and his eyes dropped slightly away from mine “It’s okay, it’s just you and me out here,” I reassured him People get so close so fast, it’s like the relationship is on fast forward “You’re going back to LA and I’m going back to New York The camera turned him on after all, the same way it did when I used my Polaroid in bed I knew what I was saying was true, I’d seen it a dozen times with other people, how they couldn’t live without each other on shoots, and then quickly drifted apart afterward after swearing they’d stay close The insomnia that always plagued me would return, along with the battery of anxiety that prevented me from sleeping most nights, for as long as I could remember, except for the brief period in foster care when they made me take drugs that turned me into a zombie ” “We’ll see about that With every instinct for nuance I possessed I searched his face, trying to see everything in it I was close now, right in his face, I reached out my hand and pushed his arm up over his head to snap the place where his tattoo started on his ribcage ” He smiled briefly at my joke, but I could see an uneasy flush spreading over his cheeks Dark shapes swirl around me, it’s only a matter of time before they’re on me… something massive bumps me, pulls me under-- Opening my eyes in the dark, I sucked in deep breaths and tried to stop shaking I’d always done that before “You don’t even look when you do that “Finn, put the camera down “I’m sure So many barriers had already fallen and this was just one more, the latest in a long list of issues to get worked out “Well… when we get back to New York Lee and I have a meeting with the catalog designers to present the work; the company bigwigs will be there and I’m kind of nervous, because the photos are nothing like what their designers specified “Okay, now take your clothes off Easing onto the brake, I pulled over on the side of the road and shifted into park The last retakes were finished around eleven o’clock; and then there was a crew party in the bar afterward that Lee insisted we make an appearance at We’ll be on opposite sides of the country, but with cell phones and the internet, nowadays that’s not such a big deal, right? We’ll still be friends Nothing but achingly cold water surrounding me, choppy and bottomless I checked it off a list when I located it Our lips met and he drew me closer gently so I was kneeling in front him, between his legs, as we kissed and he was slowly pulling me in with his arms around my neck so I could feel his cock against my stomach “That’s enough I may be a coward in my personal life, but when I step behind a camera I know exactly what I want and how to get it from someone The look on his face was an indescribable mixture of desire, longing and sadness Josh joked around about how I changed when I was working It’s made us really close; but once we both get back to our own lives, we’ll start to lose some of that feeling because it isn’t a part of our daily life There would be no second chance here; he’d staked the whole shebang on me and my vision, and if I went down, I wasn’t sure if he would credit me for a success, but take the blame himself for a failure; or just let me hang myself ” I grabbed for my Nikon 35mm, but by the time I had it ready, the moment was gone and I put it down, disappointed I’m just saying, we could never translate that completely to the outside world ” I bent my knees on the edge of the water and sat back on my heels, dropping the camera Josh had set his beer down and was sitting on the edge of the bed, turning to look at me where I was sitting on the floor, going through my gear, making sure I had every piece I’d brought with me ” “Yes now “No, Josh, not now I liked the colors in his tattoos, but I found myself more drawn to the contrast between his smooth skin and the shiny scar tissue I felt it too “But what about the pictures?” he asked Black and white film is superb for capturing nuances of texture and contrast When we got back in the car, we could hardly look at each other now I’ve known from the beginning that this is nothing but a little practice run for you, so you can work all your issues out with me before you go hook up with some model--” He suddenly stopped and when he spoke again, his voice was weary instead of bitter I needed to get away from this bubble and get back to my apartment in New York, where I could lock my deadbolts… “Of course not If we’d planned this out last night and gotten up early, we could’ve gone up to Bowman Lake, but it was too far “So here’s the deal,” I began abruptly “Surely Lee won’t hang you out to dry,” Josh soothed me I won’t let anything hurt you…” We wrapped the shoot last night He’ll still be in demand as a photographer no matter what “It was my own fault I was stupid enough to think it was anything else to you I had never lied to him and I wasn’t going to start now ” “But what clothes should I wear?” he protested That’s what guys always do He was no model, getting paid a load of money only to look good ” “This fucking kills my knees,” I complained briefly, but really I hardly felt it ” I stared at him in amazement As I went about setting up and cursing the climbing sun and framing shots, Josh smiled, but he obeyed me completely Best if he saw my face as much as possible And then… suddenly the shoot is over and you’re going back home “I don’t know about nude photos,” he told me in between clutching the armrest in terror and squeezing his eyes closed to block out my driving This is something between you and me, and if you want to keep it private, that’s perfectly fine with me That’s why I always felt more comfortable behind a camera, because then it was easy for me to connect, something I usually don’t naturally do If he trusted me with everything else, how could he not trust me with this? From the very first we’d constantly challenged each others’ safety zones In light of that I couldn’t believe he’d agreed to let me photograph him after all; it was incredibly generous of him, but he had surprised me more than a few times with his willingness to give “See you later, babe,” a kiss on the cheek, and then breeze into town and expect the person to be there waiting whenever it was convenient Just the way he always did on sets; offering suggestions but never encroaching on my territory We were due at the airport in a matter of hours “Pretend the lens is my eyes Violently I jolt from sleep “Josh,” I whispered, and I came close to the bed and tried to lay my hand on his arm but he shook it off You’re not going to find very many people who will treat you with kid gloves the way I do, baby It was his face, his eyes, the little smile on the edge of his lips as he looked past the camera at me, straight into my soul, the way only he could Touching a model was very much forbidden It was like a lead weight on my chest but I couldn’t let myself show it like he did, and if I hadn’t lifted the camera I wouldn’t have even seen it My window was rapidly closing ” “Then get up, we’ve got about an hour of good light left and we need to get to the lake Fact was, I liked being with him and I dreaded the adjustment of sleeping alone again However, instead of just ordering him around like a professional model with the brain of a doorknob, I took a minute to explain what I wanted from this shoot and how I planned to do it What would normally progress over a period of weeks gets compressed into days I snapped the first shot, then a second and then kept on until he stopped me The models had all been rounded up and sent home yesterday afternoon, all that was left were a few prop shots and interior stuff In the dark he whispered to me while I let myself drift back toward sleep; and I thought dimly this must be what happened to normal kids when they screamed in the night and their parents came to chase the bad dreams away Anal, maybe, but some of this shit was costly enough I didn’t like having to replace it because I left it in some hotel Look past it at me |
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